Choosing

I have to say the more recent blog post are ones I find to be the most beneficial. They were the Meeting Asciepius in unit 7 and the loving Kindness in unit 6 and Subtle Mind in unit 5.  They all unraveled different parts of me, and because of that I have to honor, and love each one because they were a part of me and they dealt with the realness I live, I acknowledge, I witness, and I try to recreate daily. These practices revealed anger, distrust, control, punishing, issues I struggle with but they also reveal the potential I have the passion I've forgotten, the love for all, and the fragile and vulnerability parts I protect.  All these practices brought different revelations because they were implemented in different stages of my life. Within the past 3 weeks my life has taken a change for the better and I know that I will have my bad days and I will have days were I wish someone could see me and my struggles and there will be days were I see everyone and everything interwoven like a beautiful spiderweb and it will make sense how strong we are as one and how our individuality should not set us apart but be seen as a missing piece to the puzzle the creator is trying to piece together.  I will continue to use these visualization practices and conscious awareness tools not just when I need them but even when I feel everything is right an complete order and alignment. This is because I need to exploring further even when I think everything is right and as it needs to be there is always something more to accept to acknowledge to store and to let go so it can just be.  I hope to take these exercises to my clients when I go back to teaching and sharing my yoga practice.   

While, "Meeting Asciepius" he said... "One cannot lead another where one has not gone himself”

I envisioned my father in this exercise, because even though I'm not his favorite daughter I understand everything he is about, all he stands for, all he lives for, and all he wants to die for.  I share the same connection he does between the outside world and us looking in.   I am my mothers daughter, I am my mother favorite and my sister is the apple in my fathers eyes but my mother can never understand the way I see things and why I do them like my father could.  The things I do I don't need to explain to my father he understands, and he gets its it on a different plane or realm of reality, my mother questions why, she thinks I have alternative motives, she sees and interprets things in a 2 dementional world. So when I did this exercise I kept my father in mind, he gave me reassurance, and strength in my decisions.  I recently decided to do something very big, I cut up my paid off all my debt and cancelled my credit card. I do not need it since I own a home and property in my name, I don't need credit anymore at least in this point in my life and I am about to engage in other decisions that will flip my life around and all the while my father was there smiling, saying nothing but just being, and I knew it was right. He didn't have to say a word for me too know that my decisions where not in vein but for my steps towards healing and growing. I did not lead my father into my decisions he lead me into peace and he lead me into reassurance, he lead me into  love, he lead me into acceptance, he lead me into truth, he lead me into seeking the potential hiding in me.   I now can lead those who want to follow because I have seen it I have felt it I have experienced it.  I may lose it one day maybe in the near future if I stop working through these great attributes and noble pursuits, so I know it can not last in this manner forever that's why I have to keep reinventing, re-energizing and re developing my true inner self constantly.  If I can not do this I can not show anyone else because it would be a lie, and my intentions would not be true to anyone so therefore my spiritual flourishing as well as psychological and mental flourishing would cease to grow and I so I would cease to exist fully.      

Freeing m suffering

I struggle daily to free my sufferings. I struggle to not punish myself, I struggle with the idea of freedom, I struggle in this world, I am a tortured  soul, I hate that I feel so much for humanity, and I hate that I can't change the world because I can't let myself go... . I can't say that when I chanted this passage i felt at ease and that everything is going to be OK with me but I have to try. I have to change my destructive nature and I can not let my darkness and shadows chase me forever, if I let that happen I will give up eventually and I will be lost forever.  I wish I could end suffering from detaching myself from all the world but then why would I have such a gift to feel so much if I was meant to not live through it?  I don't get it sometimes I don't get why I see and why I feel certain things so clearly and so naturally but I don't know how to use it for good and how to help people. I wish I did I wish I knew how to channel all this energy, love, and wisdom I have into a greater good, so that one day when I can rest I won't meet the creator or the spiritual being that gave me these gifts and have him laugh in my face because I didn't use my gifts to the fullest advantage and I help no one.  That is a huge fear for me so this exercise did not bring my ease, it did not bring me comfort, it brought me stress and fear. The fear of failure, the fear of disappointment, the fear of rejection of myself.  I fear the same fears but I still share the same dream to serve and to unite, so I hope my mind can rest one day and see the needless suffering cease. I hope to be a healer one day but first I must learn to trust and to be.

Subtle Mind

This exercise is much less complicated to do and the past 2 but sometimes this can be the most difficult.  How often do you think we calm the mind and think of absolutely nothing without trying? Not very often unless in a setting which is calling us to do so, why is this so hard for us to practice naturally?  Is it just because we are not conditioned to let go? Is it because we become so detached from our nurturing and relaxed state we fear the silence the realization of what we have become and how we let ourselves get here... ?  I can do this practice simply because I have been trained to do this since I was 18 years old but its never easy to submit and surrender control of the mind and body to just let be.  I feel in time I will be able to do this while riding a bus, while eating dinner, while shopping, even while sleeping and I'm sure it never will be easy for me but I hope that one day after I'm done meditating and letting my mind fall into a bliss of nothing I will learn how to live in the calmness of the conscious mind  as well.